Kazuna

... well fuck

Damn it, it just wont stop... and I'm so hungry...

But it's my fault isnt it? I'm the one who said Muraki had forgotten about me, yeah, I'm stupid. So now I"m so sore I can hardly hunt, and these wounds arnt like the others, they wont go away. And I dont like it, despite what he says, I dont, I dont like being helpless and... and.... I just dont *growl* I dont know how he could think I do.

Maybe I should just go after something smaller and weaker, Children maybe. They dont fight back so hard. Yeah. That seems like a good idea to me.

When Muraki called me he made me mess up one of my paintings... but I've done about three more based on all the things he did to me, so I supose its a fair trade... god I hate him.

ack... I havnt been able to eat in days... havnt touched the vile yet, tho.

Aside from all that shit, I havnt seen Kage or Alucard in a while, probubly a good thing, considering the sorry state I'm in... I supose I should use one of the surgical blades I have to cut out the stitches now, because they still hurt like a bitch, but they're just so facinating... it's disgusting.

Let me see now... what did I do this week...

Made a new friend, went out for a night on the town, did some hunting, played with my new puppy, played with another puppy *gringrin* figured out a new target to go after...

Oh yeah, pretty good week over all

I need to do some painting... well, some more painting *smirk* already did some... sword blades are fun, nice quick strokes of red and silver... never quite contorted bodies that way before tho *laugh*

I want to see Alucard, havnt seen him in a while... *sigh* I want to show him what I did, I dont think he knows yet... he'd probubly notice fast tho, I mean, its not easy ripping out one's own heart... the wound still isnt closed...

I wonder what I would have done with it, if Muraki hadnt taken it away... hidden it in a grave maybe... I dunno... he hasnt bugged me.... yet -_- I dont plan on pestering him so maybe he'll forget about me

I wonder where Kage is? I need to find him again, show him the paint I did *laugh* this town is just insperational *smirk* Anyway I'd like to visit him again, our last little night out was great

*growl*Some damn Angel attacked me and now I'm tired... plus I need to drop by the pet shop and ask how you heal a wounded hell hound *growl* What a bother... although Gabriel and Gabriella did scare the hell out of Jou *laugh* They're good pets...

Anyway, after that, I need to bathe and sleep... so tired...

Thats it. I just cant do it anymore. I cant put up with it. I give up. Its coming out.

God... why do I feel... so horribly sick...? I'm tired, I can hardly get out of bed... I'm dizzy and weak and my insides hurt... I feel this thick horrible sleepiness all the time... and I'm starving to death... whats going on...?

I havnt touched this thing in forever... I guess there hasnt been anything to say. Well... things have been normal I guess. Chizuna and I have been getting along well... it remind me of that summer long ago actually, when it was warm and peaceful and just us... and even tho we were sick, we would take care of each other. But... summer ended then, and it did here too. (Was this not a tropical island...? eh, nevermind)

It was dark when I left work the other night... well, its always dark, but I only left at about eight and it was usually still bright then... anyway, its not that I dont feel at home in the night. After all, it would be funny if I didnt. **somewhat insane laugh** wierd creatures roam around at night, myself included.

( Private )

Tsuzuki? Can I see you soon? I need a friend to talk to, I'm confused about some stuff...

Well... That was unexpected! I only took out that add for a roomate what... a day ago? I didnt think anyone would come lookin for me so fast! It was just getting to much, I cant work all the hours I need to pay for this place... so yeah, roomate, good idea.

But I didnt expect... to see her. I mean, wow, I was just really stunned. **smile** she kept looking at me, starring alomst. Like I wasnt doing back. I couldnt help it. I feel kinda stupid now tho, remembering how I was acting...

Now I gotta clean out the guest room for her. Where am I gunna put all that art? Good thing the museum I work at has a gaint basement...

We cooked dinner together... It was actually really fun. I keep fidgetting with the bandage she put on my finger... she's so sweet, I remember she ran off in a big hurry when I sliced myself. Heh, guess I wasnt expecting to see her walk out in that pretty Kimono tho. I really do need to pay more attention to what I'm doing.

I guess I'm just... really happy. I dunno... I cant help it. I dont even know what to say... I'm just fumbling for the right words here.

She let me draw her portrait, which was nice. I think I'll go color it in with my oil paints now...

Should I just blame it on the curse? The fact that no matter where i go, people always get hurt. No matter what, people always get dragged into the misery and the darkness of the takashiros. The only person I know who doesnt get hurt... might be the one person with more blood on there hands then me. I dont care. I really dont. It doesnt change anything. It doesnt change what I want, or what I need.

And I dont know if that makes me as bad, or worse.

I think I've gotten past the point of asking why this is happening to me. Aperently I'm suffering for some pretty horrible sins...

**sigh** I'm just tired of hurting people. maybe If I just ... accept it, maybe it will stop. Thats what he keeps telling me. And he's always right. Always.

**sigh** I feel so bad for Hisoka and Hijiri, I didnt mean to cause so much trouble...

I should have just run away, I shouldnt have listened to Hisoka...

even though I know he was right.

You know I've never seen Muraki upset before... I dont know why it happened but... it was shocking. I thought he was to cool headed for that.

Anyway... thats about all I want to say.

well... I guess I got bored enough to update this thing again. man, am I ever beat ._. stupid work is pissed at me for missing so much so now they're making me work freaking crazy over time... **sigh** I'm so so tired. The other day on the way back, I even stopped in at the dinner just because I had to sit down. Met this really nice girl tho, man, she was cool. She was so... happy? And just kinda... geez i wouldnt wanna insult her by saying normal. But she was just smily and cute and didnt seem to have a care in the world. Yeah. She had this adorable little red bow in her hair, too cute.

didnt bother me one bit. Should thank Muraki for that.... **sigh** I feel like I'm taking a lease on life you know? Oh sure I'm good for now, but... what if he gets bored? What if.... I dunno, I just feel so helpless. he knows it too. I feel like a puppet. I cant even get away from it! Just... Just try and forget until I cant any more? What more can I do? But it feels... it feels like I've spent all my life trying to ignore the darkness that fallows me. Like what I did with Chizuna... damn it, I miss her sometimes

Anyway, I went to her house and taught her some oragami, because aparently I'm good at that **embarassed smile** I only taught her a little tho, I'm suposed to go back and teach her a little more every day after work. Heh, she was so cute when she was flirting with me, made me feel... I dunno, normal? Ooooo big change. A guy can dream cant he?

anyway, I crammed a load of my art into the basement at the museum.... so now I can like, MOVE in my house. Also a nice change.

Anyeway, I need to crash, I am so, SO tired...

I could have just sworn I saw.... nothing Oo Jesus, I'm going crazy!

I ladies and gentlemen, am a coplete and total idiot.

I thought maybe I could take care of myself. I'd come up with alot of creative things to try, to help my sy,ptoms go away... And you know the funny thing is they seemed to be working.

And its not like I threw out the viles or anything. I just kept them. I've got some in my fridge right now... but I just... I guess I was getting tired of feeling pathetic. I was getting sared. last time I depended on somone that much.... well it didnt work to well. So I thought I'd try something else...

Hanging out with Mokuba made me feel so much better, but I shouldnt have let it fool me into thinking I could pretend to be okay, I should have just been grateful that I didnt mess up and.... and...

But I guess I'm not that smart. All i wanted to do was help... I just wanted to make the sweet little kid happy... so maybe I could feel like I was doing some good again.

Man, I'm just not thinking straight.

Poor Momiji.... and he even told me that he had secrets Muraki knew about... the poor kid must have somethin messin him up and I just... added to it.

wow, Muraki must know alot of secrets...

...

And on a later note, my shelf id full, and so are my walls. I can only keep myself buisy for so long now.

I'm going for a walk... no, a run. I dont know where, but I just feel like I dont want to stop for a while....

Isnt it funny how something so small can change your whole day? *sigh* You klnow, I had sort of resined myself to running home from work everyday and locking myself away.... I dont think I've been out anywhere at all in days, but its hard to keep track.... I havnt had a single attack, isolated.

But on the way home...I saw a sad little boy.... his name was Mokuba. And I... I made him smile. I hade him happy. It made me feel like I was actually good for something, like it wasnt pointless for be to be here... I dont know, its sort of stupid really. But I managed to help him and make him happy with nothing bad happening. Maybe I'm not a monster, maybe if I really try... maybe I can fight it back and start making people happy rather then making them suffer.

*laugh* and here I am talking crazy... ah well, at least I can say I'm in a good mood for once...

I never knew I could feel this way... *sigh* I mean, I knew I wasnt normal (who doesnt know that anymore -_-) but I never knew I could feel so safe being controled, so dependant.

I guess its right in a way, some sort of justice, after all...

He's not scared of me, and I know there are more people then him thats arnt but... it just so hard to explain. I gues I can sum it up by saying he never winces when I... *shakes head* I'm really scared for some reason, my thoughts are all over the place and I cant even...

I need to calm down. My head feels like its in ten different places at once. *sigh* *deep breath*

Right, I think I'll get working on that project... I cant wait to give it to Muraki, basiclly the though prosess was something like "Now what is the most creepy thing I could possibly make..." and it hit me and NOW IO need more white paint. I dont own any white paint -_- *sigh*

I wont work at night any more, not there under the sakura trees... i thought it was so pretty but theres that boy... and he looked at me and I could swear from the look on his face, he could tell what I was thinking... I wonder if he knows how much danger he's in near me... he ran off, very scared, when I troed to help him up *sigh*

*off grin* well I wont see looks like that if I'm carefull who I'maround, ne? 8shakes head* man I dont feel well...

..... I'm not going anywhere anymore, thats it, no where -_-

To everyone who was there in my art class, I am so so sorry. I... i didnt think I would let that happen, but as you could tell, I ... I'm an animal inside. I wont worry you though, I'll stay away from everyone.

*deep sigh* I havnt been able to bring myself to do anything.... I did the most stupid thing... I had a scalding shower and then crawled into my ROOF -_- I freaking froze, and I think I have a cold now.... *sneeze* I saw Muraki wondering around... me seemed to have had a bad day... although he said he culdnt talk about why. Why am I such a house wife? making tea and scurrying around like a chick... *sigh* as far as i can remember, I've always been like that, even when I lived in Tokyo... i still cant remember how I came to live here tho... odd. anyway, I invited him in and I think I managed to make him feel better... how i dont know. I just sorta .... acted needy *blush* I really cant help it anymore... *sigh* anyway I'm happy he stoped why as I needed my medicine, and there was no way i was going to go out to get is *sigh* I swear, must be narcotic, what he's giving me.... turning into such an addiction...

*sulks* I feel like such a monster... I let my sickness effect yaegashi... i cant believe it, i was fighting so SO hard to keep her safe, I remember, I've been fighting for so so long.... but I just cracked. After all that, I cracked... again -_- I just cant, i feel like... I feel like all I can taste is her and its all I can smell and all I can see and I think I'm losing it. I need to go for a walk, I need to get out of here. I cant take it anymore.

Yeagashi, you have the most comfy couch EVER

You know, so much has happened to me in the last 24 hours I dont even think I could write about it all if I sat here for a week musing about it. My head feels so so full....

Well first off I found a really wierd set of doors inside this tomb... man was it creepy, but pretty. anyone wondering WHY I wa in the graveyard? XD I was just looking for my mom, but I couldnt find her, although I even had Muraki to help me look... *sigh* Its so confusing.... but anyway.... *sigh* it was a plesant trip anyway *blush*

Next off, spent all my money, got a new outfit, and a boke. yep, its so sweet. No one tell me I'm to younge to drive it, because I know that already. I'm a great driver... its just that people need to learn how to hold onto me, thats all.... not my fault he fell off.... although I did feel really bad anyway T_T

Hmmm what else to I want to write about.... Tsu is so friendly, I feel sorta bad for him, he seems lonli.... and I dont know why, I figure he's so sweet he should have like a million friends... doesnt make any sense, he seems really.... mad at himself for some reason, although, I can understand about that, its the worst feeling ever. *sigh* maybe I should go visit him again, to make sure he's alright.... I'm worried I guess, because I know how I myself feel when I get in moods like that. doesnt mean I'm not jelous of him anymore, just means I'm worried, he does remind me of my sister after all...

I cant wait to see what that painting of me looks like, Yeagashi is a wonderful artist.... *smile*

I'm going to go try not to think about how fucked in the head I am now *sigh*

Today I feel really, really good. I came to school even. There was some test for running I missed in gym... and I totally smoked the old recored. 100 m in ten seconds *pleased smile* I was metally quicker too. I finished my math work with enough time to draw something... I didnt have any oils with me, but I had a perminant red marker, and thats just a good XD I'll post up the piccie later... its of my mom. It creepy, but I'm impressed I managed to make it look decent withh only a black pen and a marker ^^

((OOC: For those of you who dont know who kazuna is, he lost his memory at one point in the manga, which is why he is remembering things more quickly, because hen wasnt re-programed with new memories, because his brain was to dammaged, he was just left with few memories... now back to the journal!))

I actually dont feel sick at all... and I'm getting back some of my lost memories too. Which it good, as it was starting to be a while, and I was wondering if I would ever remember. I think I knew that long haired girl I dream about, I think she might have been my girlfriend... but I havnt seen her around here, which makes name think I might have lived somewhere else at some point... its bizzare.

Its because of Muraki that I'm remembering, that I'm feeling better. He's an awsome doctor, I'm happy Jou kept bugging me to see a doctor.

Jou, if you happen to be reading this, you're a really good friend. I dont know where I'd be without you either, I'm glad you're so understanding of my... conition. *cough*

so after school I was feeling so good I decided to go shopping, for clothes and stuff. I actually had alot of fun. I got a nice outfit that makes me look... mature? XD Its nice. I can hear the gay jokes already, I should shut up abut my clothing now.

I'm... getting NEW symptoms two... I think its because I've never gotten over the initail symptoms, but now that Muraki had gotten them calm, other ones are spiking up.

I remembered that dark haored girl, I remeber... she's get those different sympoms as well.

I've been avoiding thinking about it really, but I'm pretty... embarassed. Muraki's had to take care of me before, and now... well I sorta 'had a fit' of the newer symptims and... *sigh* I think I wanna go crawl into a corner somewhere and hide....

I rememer.... there was strange feril feeling in me. Not a suffocating feeling, it was more like it was creeping on me slowly... and it was even harder to stop because I could hardly notice it was happening...

I really do feel embarrassed... but... well.... Muraki never, ever seems to mind when I do anything, and he didnt seem to mind this either... *blush* I still feel... I dont know. It was like I was watching me from outside my own body...
( Private )

But I'm sick of talking about illness when I've had such a nice day ^^ before I stop at the clinic... I'll see id yeagashi is hime. I did promise to model for her, after all ^^

This ong has been on the radio in the backgrouns forever it seems... its what I woke up to, now its stuck in my head...

Its times like this I think God is laughing at me -_-

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this animal

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

Mmmmm I feel wierd... like I'm in a fever-dream. I've just been locked in the house for a few days... and I dont really feel like leaving yet. I just wanna stay here until I feel good. I dont even care if I miss school, its almost summer anyway, its not even important. Its not even worth it. I'm not sure if i even want visitors... I mean, I had one, my friend Yaegashi... and i sorta got sick and well.... I was scared. am I ever glad Muraki makes house calls.

Man, I just feel so dizzy. All the paint fumes, I think. I need more paints... and I can afford the best now! I sold one of my paintings for a lucritive amount. *grin* That makes me happy, oh so very happy.

Yes yes I am human, you can make me happy with money and stuff and other material, comforting things. I'm so easilly pleased -_-; .... thats sort of sad, really. *shakes head*

I remembered my mother's name when Muraki came to visit me... her name was Momoko... and I keep dreaming about her. I know he remind me of her. Maybe thats why I like him.... maybe.

But its crazy I dont even know if these memories are real, they could just be... my imagination...?

...

...

...

... No, I dont think it is. I really shouldnt fool myself. The people at the hospital told me that my memories may leak back to be some day *sigh*

But my mother... she's dead. He reminds me so so much of her. I just... *shakes head*

I need to paint again

( Private )

........ so i went to the doctors.

That was an interesting visit to say the least... ah crap, I getting paint all over my key bored -_- one sec ...


Okay there, paint removed. jeez, I went crazy when I got home. Did you know men are more difficult to paint the women? especially when they are laying down, took be at least an hour to do the folds in that white coat. Jeez, no wonder I never paint white things -_- dark things and blood splatter are much easier, if its a drak picture you can just assume the line is where it should be ... yeah XD.

*looks back at picture*.... my paintings are slowly getting more insane DX although look at the main subject, its no wonder.

anyway, yeah, I got all these weird tests when I went... and tihs Doctor, this Muraki guy, seemed to know... jsut how every little thing was affecting me. He's really creepy... and really smart.

And he made me remeber this dream... well actually, he reminded me of this dream, of the woman in the dream.when. I was a kid, and I was in this old japanese house... and uuhh... well long story short, I had done something bad. and this woman came in... and she smiled at me, even tho she could see what I had done. and he touched my hair and her fingers moved down my cheek... and she said she would keep it a secret, so no one would ever know i was... bad. She had this... peace, this gentleness to her... but her eyes were.. full of darkness.

I dont know if thats women in my dream is even anything remesbling my real mother, but I cant remember anything, so its the closest I have. I wish i could remember her name...

anyway, enough reminicing! I need to shower, theres paint EVERYWHERE.

...

...

... oh. And the doctor? he said... he's going to give some... experimental medicine. I... I hope it works.

well, hasnt my week been eventful -_-

I met this girl, Yaegashi... you know I dont remember asking her name, but I do know her name Oo

anyway... when I was talking to her... she made my stomach feel funny, and I couldnt stop blushing.... she's so cute, I cant help it. I dont know why but I just feel so... I dont know how to explain it. I want to see her again, hopefully she visits me at my work again.

But then, with my 'anemia' making me so sick latly, I dont know if I should. Thats a lie, I know I shouldnt. I've been having fits around people alot, at work in the basement with that poor girl, Kisara, and she was just curious about that dragin painting, I feel so bad to cause her problems...

And this guy named Duo, he came over to see my art and ended up hurting himself... and theres blood all over my floor -_- that needs cleaning. I told him to watch out, my room is hazordous.

But with being so sick and uuhh... passing out around people all the time, I just feel so bad. maybe I should take a few days off to try and get better. I feel so sorry, for all the trouble I've caused people. I think I'll stay at home and hide for a few days...

Jou, you wanna come over some time? I'm feelin pretty low -_-

( Private )

Well.... I had an odd day. I REALLY need to sleep better, this is getting rediculus... *sigh*

In detention today, I met a guy named Jounouchi. I really like him, we snuck out of detention together and got some pizza. It was good times XD. I gotta say well... I wish there were more people like him. Lets just say something kinda bad happened and well.. he sorta stuck by me. That was nice. Gotta say its nice to have a friend like him. All I can say is... I hope that bad thing that happened, doesnt happen again. Its sorta scary... but I wont even think about it. I think I'm actually gunna do some painting or something, try to calm myself down.

( Private )